I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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