omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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