Im at strip club and am horny
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
