Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
