Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
