got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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