I'm so fucking centered right now
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
