Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
