i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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