look no pants
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
