I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
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