i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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