me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
