You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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