I bet he comes in French.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
