You're so nebulous sometimes
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
