Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
