hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
