Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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