weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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