if i can run in heels then i can drive
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
