I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
