I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
