I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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