My hand turned me down
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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