this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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