i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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