i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
