Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
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