Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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