he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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