Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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