I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
