apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
