anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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