I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Drunk is not a location!
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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