I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
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Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
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They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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