You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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