So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
