My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
