i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
