i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
