dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
