So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
