Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You were trust falling into bushes
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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