I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
