i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
