see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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