Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
