Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
