When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
