Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
