Sponge bath it is.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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