Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
