I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
