This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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