That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
