I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
