I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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