my mouth tastes like poor choices
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
